One of the challenges of becoming a caregiver to your aging parent is setting appropriate boundaries. It’s understandably difficult. Your parents helped you navigate childhood and were the authority figures throughout most of your life. Now it’s your turn to help your parents as they age, especially when you step into the role of caregiver.

It’s important to maintain a healthy relationship with your parents. Caregiving without any set boundaries can lead to resentment and frustration.¹

Establishing expectations in any relationship is important and caregiving is no different. You’re seeing your relationship with your aging parents shift, which means it’s time to look at what works and what doesn’t in the relationship.

Questions to ask:

• Are your parents needy or overly reliant on you?
• Do your parents treat you as a respected part of their care team?
• Is anything specific causing a conflict?
  • Is this something within your abilities to help with?
  • Can your parents do this themselves?
  • Do you need outside help?
• What is frustrating you?
• What is frustrating your parents? 

Having an honest conversation with your parents is the first step to setting boundaries. Communicating your needs and listening when your parents communicate their needs can help you build a plan. Every caregiving situation is different, so talking is an important first step.

If the conversation is difficult to have, consider bringing in professional help to facilitate the conversation. There are several types of therapy available for caregivers, including individual therapy, caregiver family therapy, and caregiver group therapy.² Therapists experienced with caregiving can offer insights based on their professional expertise and knowledge.

Support groups can also help. This is a place where you can bounce your ideas off people who are also caregivers. Use their experience to help navigate difficult decisions and conversations. You can learn from their successes and mistakes as you decide the best approach to setting boundaries with your parents. The Family Caregiver Alliance has online support groups where you can connect with other caregivers.

If certain requests or excessive neediness put a strain on your relationship, that’s somewhere you need a boundary.  Here are some boundaries that might make sense for your family:

Being unavailable during the workday

• Many people who are caregivers are also working fulltime jobs. You may need to tell your parents that you’re unavailable during working hours unless it’s an emergency.

Not being your parents’ personal assistant³

• Just because you can do something for them, doesn’t mean you have to say yes.  Create rules on what you will assist with based on your parents’ capabilities.  For example, you might help with transportation to doctor appointments on certain days. Another example: you might pick up things when you’re already at the grocery store, but you won’t run daily errands just because your parents ask.

Maintaining your parent’s independence

• While it may feel like you’re refusing to help or rejecting your parents, having them do tasks on their own helps maintain their health and well-being.⁴ This might mean your parents do their own grocery shopping, laundry, or other chores. Even if they needed help temporarily after a surgery or illness, hand these tasks back once they’re able to safely complete them.

Hiring somebody for tasks instead of doing them yourself

• Your parents might feel more comfortable with you helping around the house, but adult children often have numerous responsibilities. Hiring cleaners, dog walkers, or even in-home care is a valid choice. Don’t try to tackle the challenge of caregiving alone.

Using respite care

• Respite care is short-term care specifically for caregivers when they need time to rest, travel, or take care of other responsibilities.⁵ Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It’s important to recognize your limitations so you’re able to provide the best care possible to your parents.

Everyone’s boundaries will be different. Assess your life, goals, and schedule. Prioritize your own health, including getting enough sleep, eating healthy meals, and finding time to connect with friends or practice your hobbies. Set boundaries around your needs and whatever is causing strain in your relationship with your parents. 

It’s inevitable, at some point a boundary will be crossed. When that happens it’s important to step back, take a deep breath, and ask why.  Has something changed with your parents’ health? Are they being needy or is there a new need that you cannot meet?

If you’re angry or frustrated, get some space from the situation. Once everyone feels calm, sit down and discuss what happened and why. You may need to re-assert your boundaries or update the care plan.

Be firm but kind when reestablishing your limits. Sometimes the hardest part of keeping boundaries is forcing yourself to say no. Remember your limitations. You cannot provide proper care for either yourself or your parents if you’re stretched too thin.

If your parents need help that you cannot provide, look for community resources, like government agencies and non-profits, that might be able to help. The Family Caregiver Alliance has a state-by-state services map that can help you find local organizations.

Not setting boundaries could contribute to caregiver burnout. It’s important to also take care of yourself. That might mean dividing the work between family members or seeking outside help. Caregiving should always be a team effort, not a one-person job.

Learn the warning signs and ways you can prevent caregiver burnout. Knowing the signs and causes can help protect your well-being before you become overwhelmed. Studies have shown that caregivers often neglect their own health.⁶ Prioritize your doctor appointments, especially preventive care, to avoid this common pitfall.

As a caregiver, it’s easy to fall into the trap of doing everything and anything your parents ask. It’s normal to want to aid your loved ones, but you cannot help them if you do not take care of yourself. Establishing boundaries and monitoring your own health allows you to provide better care for your parents as they age. 

Sources:

1. “Setting Boundaries as a Caregiver Is Important for You and Them.” University of Kentucky, 2 Mar. 2022, https://hr.uky.edu/news/2022-03-02/setting-boundaries-caregiver-important-you-and-them.

2. “Caregiver Therapy.” Open Caregiving, 2 Jan. 2022, www.opencaregiving.com/glossary/caregiver-therapy.

3. Russell, Tonya. “When Aging Parents Expect Too Much: How to Set Boundaries.” Care.com, updated 5 Dec. 2024, www.care.com/c/setting-boundaries-with-needy-aging-parents/.

4. Kitayama, Shinobu, et al. “Independence and Interdependence Predict Health and Wellbeing: Divergent Patterns in the United States and Japan.” Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 1, article 163, 2 Dec. 2010, https://web.stanford.edu/~hazelm/publications/2010%20Kitayama%20et%20al%20Independence%20and%20interdependence%20predict%20health%20and%20wellbeing.

5. “What Is Respite Care?” National Institute on Aging, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/caregiving/what-respite-care.

6. “Caregivers Need to Take Care of Themselves.” American Psychological Association, 23 Jan. 2020, https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2020/01/caregivers-care.